Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Relationship Dynamics: How to Get Rid of Hopelessness

It feels so good to be blogging again. Sometimes Human Art requires our attention elsewhere, but being this is one of my favorite things to do, I am glad to be blogging today. 

With that said, one of the tasks that we spend a considerable amount of time with is with families; giving them information that helps with family dynamics (or any relationship for that matter)In every case we find one thing that is all too familiar: It takes time to build new skills when it comes to relationships, but it takes no time at all for a destructive dynamic to rip progress apart and sometimes we feel like we are right back where we started from. That can be a hopeless feeling.

Hopelessness looks different for each design. If a specific dynamic in each design falls apart, that can bring a feeling of hopelessness to the relationship from that person’s perspective. The Saturated design needs clarity in dynamics, Whitened needs enrolling availability, Grayed needs deep connections, and Blackened needs their expectations to be met. You can see that each person’s need in the dynamic is different, so it has a different version of hopelessness and therefore is often misunderstood because it is not the same version of the other person’s hopelessness. It has potential to get complicated. But it doesn't have to. Just remember in building a relationship don't destroy the progress you’ve already made.  Honor the other’s needs in a dynamic. After all most of the time when we are upset we are reacting to a dynamic, not the person themselves. We love the people we choose to be in relationships with. We sometimes get frustrated with the dynamic.

Three Things to Clear out of Dynamics in a Relationship

1. Hijacking and Overriding.  Hijacking is an external punishment designed to take control or stop dynamics but is destructive. Examples would be temper tantrums, intimidation, aggression, or drama.

       Overriding is avoiding or withholding. Minimizing a dynamic and pretending it isn't there or just stepping right over it. It is designed to avoid and excuse oneself from taking responsibility.

2.  Emotional personality. We have an authentic personality that includes our autonomy, our development, and our skills in a relationship. An emotional personality is developed when we feel overwhelmed and our authentic needs in a dynamic are not being met. It has its own set of skills and talents that are usually nothing like our authentic personality and are very destructive, like anger or harshness to name a few. The trick is to minimize our emotional and destructive personality (it is not who we are) and maximize our authentic personality in relationship dynamics.

3. Get rid of Harshness and Add Compassion. We have equal compassion for ourselves and the person we are in a relationship with. No one gets more or less. We can have compassion for the other person and see why a dynamic is hard for them and have equal compassion for oneself and understand why they might be struggling also.

So take a little inventory. What are the dynamics in your family? What are the authentic needs? What can we clean out to avoid hopelessness? Remember, if someone you love is overwhelming you it is possible it is a dynamic. Make it easier by using your authentic strengths and a little compassion and you can tackle the dynamic. If you do, you will know you have done your best. That provides an opportunity for others to do the same. It will strengthen your confidence in relationships. And always, always remember: everyone is a masterpiece!

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